what was lost to get me here
land of my mother’s mother , 4
on visits back, you realize your Spanish is ruined, your own grandma tries to talk to you but you miss every other word.
in your mami's house, you are a visitor, she gives you the tour and points to the room that would have been yours. it’s an office with books piled in the corner. the walls are painted blue.
when you go to the church with your brother to pray, you keep your eyes open when the rest of them bow their heads in silence.
you don’t understand Anima Sola, she looks nothing like you, but still, they insist you worship her.
every drop of blood has told you to come back to see it for yourself, but you arrive and you are still stranger.
you are so repulsed by yourself you think of ways to separate from your own body. you even consider suicide.
after you leave, you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to come home again.
you become la loba.
you become feral.
you become el morro.
you cannot show anyone that you are broken.